Out of My comfort Zone: Finding Light in the Darkness

By Julie Tumbarello

To jump or not to jump? As I stood in the corner of a six-story parking structure looking down, my thoughts were flooded with pain. Looking up from time to time I would notice the beauty of the colors in the sky as the sun started to set. These were fleeting moments with a heavy darkness and continual thoughts of all the horrors, terror, fear, and pain in the world and my own life. I had felt this way for many months, and it had gotten worse in the weeks leading up to this first attempt to end it all. It took several forces to align, including multiple police, guides, and people around me that loved me, to get me off that parking structure ledge.

I’d say I was uncomfortable my entire life, culminating in the above episode in my early 30s. Like many people, I was resistant to change and stepping out of the familiar. But the old ways of doing things didn’t work anymore and there weren’t any role models who could teach me how to do it all and do it well. The voices in my head were critical of every aspect of my life, and I felt like I was failing at all of it.

I tried making changes but for the next seven years, I continued to revisit that parking structure, railroad tracks, and even considered other ways to end it all. I wanted change, but not in the way I was being called. I remember reading Eat Pray Love and resonated with breaking down and running away to recreate who I was. The thing is, most of us can’t do that. I had two small children, a job, and many other responsibilities, but what I was doing wasn’t working. I needed help. What I didn’t know was that help would come to me in my dreams.

In 2007 my dad died from kidney cancer. Looking back on it now, it was a sacred experience being witness to someone’s crossing over, but at the time it was extremely painful, and it once again sent me to a very dark place. But this time, a few months after his passing, my dad started appearing in my dreams.

The first dream was a simple visit. In the dream we both recognized he was dead, but we spent time catching up. I remember he was sitting in a chair, and I was kneeling down on the floor next to him. I told him how sad I was and all the things going wrong in my life. I laid my head in his lap and cried. He comforted me and explained that he could help and support me more now from the other side than he could when he was alive. I woke up from that first dream feeling so much love… and a glimmer of hope.

Many months later, my dad appeared again. He came into my house and told me to get out. I could feel that there was some danger coming my way. I remember talking to him and justifying my relationship, just as I would have done when he was alive. I didn’t leave. Soon after that dream, I started having severe abdominal pain. After an ER visit, doctor’s appointments and tests, my dad again returned in a dream. This time I was in a different house. My dad was more worried and with some urgency told me I needed to leave and get my kids out. I remember looking into a mirror and seeing a small black spider come out of the glass. I smashed the spider to kill it, and in the process, I cracked the glass. A horde of spiders came pouring out from behind the mirror. My dad yelled “Get out! They won’t hurt me, and I’ll protect you as much as I can by holding them off. But you have to get out!” I woke up with the sense that the spiders represented some illness just beyond this realm that was about to manifest in my body. I knew I had to make drastic changes.

Getting out of the darkness, making real change, was not a sprint, but a marathon. It took several years, a lot of guidance and support (both in this world and beyond), and it came through small choices every day—finding little pieces of relief along the way. I knew the first step of moving out of my comfort zone and making real change was to address the voices in my head.

In 2008 Eckhart Tolle rereleased his book A New Earth. I remember reading the words “the voice in my head is not who I am” and the immense relief it brought. I had lived with dark thoughts telling me what a horrible person, mother, employee, and friend I was. The idea that those thoughts were not my true essence was life changing. I stepped out of my comfort zone by dedicating time daily to meditation. It was hard. Monkey mind is real! But over the course of several months, I started to sense that eternal essence.

Even with meditation, the thoughts were relentless. I needed more tools, so, in 2009 I started exploring different healing modalities. I took Reiki training, worked with a hypnotherapist, read over 50 books on spirituality in less than a year, and I started working with a craniosacral therapist who had trained with John Friedlander. I found her techniques powerful, so I started studying directly with Friedlander as well. I learned that not only are we not our thoughts, but we could be carrying around energies that are not our own. Through some core practices, I was able to recognize my authentic energy and differentiate it from others. This was a game changer and allowed me to not only understand the chaotic voices in my head but helped me clear them out. The tools and practices that Friedlander teaches helped me clear my energy, my thoughts, and to begin making real changes in my life.

At the end of 2009, I had a vivid nightmare where I was being chased on an island by people intent on killing me. Although several guides tried to protect me, I eventually had to fight alone. I ended up killing the mercenary woman, but in the dream, I knew she would come back unless I opened up her head and poured her brains into the water surrounding the island. The experience was so intense that I woke up crying and remained emotional over the next several days. With the help of multiple healers, I came to realize that the person I was fighting represented my old self. The next phase of my journey was to let go of my old self, my old brain, and to allow the new version of me to emerge.

To change my ingrained thought patterns, I needed to step out of my comfort zones and consciously think differently. Imagine a board with engraved grooves on it. If you take a marble and send it down the board, it will follow the existing grooves. If we don’t want to follow the old grooves, we need to work at making new grooves. Similarly, we must repeatedly redirect our thoughts, gradually forming and deepening new grooves until they become the default pattern. One of the key practices that helped me create new patterns was through daily appreciations. During my daily commute, even on challenging days, I would focus on what I appreciated in life—from simple things like my breath to the people I worked with, my family or friends. Changing thought patterns is not easy. It requires stepping out of your comfort zone and being conscious of every thought. With many, many choices, lots of practice, and time I was able to rewire my brain.

“Who am I?” This was the question that came in a dream. I struggled to answer. While I had made some change, I still felt lost. I needed a new path forward. In 2010 I was introduced to Robert Moss and Active Dreaming. (I wrote about this experience in a previous article, “Active Dreaming and Messages From the Birds,” crazywisdomjournal.com/thecrazywisdomjournalonline/2015/9/1/active-dreaming-and-messages-from-the-birds). Through dream teacher trainings and workshops with Moss, I not only found the tools and practices I needed to heal my wounds but through working with dreams, synchronicities and imagination, I found a new path forward. I started using active dreaming in all aspects of my life, receiving guidance and messages constantly. It felt as though I was becoming the authentic person the universe had always intended for me to be.

During a dream journey, I encountered the Julie who had jumped from the parking structure. When I asked myself why I hadn’t jumped while she did, the clear answer emerged: I could always see the light. Even though it was small amidst so much darkness, I was able to hold onto it. However, the lesson from that version of Julie, is that even if we lose sight of the light, there are guides who can help us find our way. The light is always there, waiting for us to be open and seek it out. I now realize that when I was on the parking structure, the universe provided guides to me by working through others and small signs. All played roles in supporting me through these difficult times.

I spent many years in the darkness, and then several more stepping out of my comfort zone, making changes, learning practices, techniques, and healing wounded parts of myself. Through active dreaming, I found not only the path forward but was then equipped to make the most significant change yet—ending my 20-year marriage. My dad was in my dreams and the universe provided communication through synchronicity and coincidences to help me make that major life change.

In her song “I Am Here,” Pink sings, “I’ve already seen the bottom so there’s nothing to fear.” I’ve been to that dark bottom and by stepping out of my comfort zone, making changes and following my dreams, I came out on the other side. I AM here and I have nothing to fear.

I now lead Active Dreaming groups and workshops, utilizing the tools I’ve gathered along the way. My personal healing experiences are core to my teaching practices. The pivotal moment on the ledge of that parking structure is the basis for an inspiring dream journey that I lead others through. I help them move from being on the brink in dark places, to discovering their own paths to healing. There are still moments and times in my life that I’m uncomfortable and called to change. Using the tools I’ve gained I’ll face any new uncomfortable challenges as I have before by holding onto the light and following my dreams.

Julie Tumbarello holds both a Bachelor of Arts degree in Anthropology, with minors in Southeast Asian Studies and Women’s Studies, and a Master of Arts in Anthropology from Northern Illinois University. In 1995, she received a Fulbright Scholarship to conduct research in Sulawesi, Indonesia, where her work with shamanic birth attendants and the Sulawesi Department of Public Health culminated in her master’s thesis, “Mothers, Midwives, and Modern Medicine: An Analysis of Choice in the Birth Experience.”

Currently, Tumbarello serves as a Senior Research Leader in the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the University of Michigan. She is also a Level 3 Certified Active Dream Teacher through Robert Moss’ Dream School. As a dream teacher, she works both individually and leads group workshops, sharing her passion for helping others tap into the power of dreams. In her spare time, you’ll find her travelling to visit her dreaming community or near one of the Great Lakes spending time with her family rock hunting. Visit her online at dreamingjulie.com or email her at info@dreamingjulie.com.

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