By Ann Olugbile
In 2016 my life started to transform. I was pregnant with my second daughter and I was joyous and terrified at the same time. My daughter’s father and I had been on and off for several years. He was in another relationship and I wanted to be with someone so badly. I believed if I were patient enough, kind enough, and quiet enough, he would pick me. Shortly after announcing I was pregnant, he admitted there was no choosing me, and the pregnancy would not change that. It was the biggest wake-up call of my life. For years I’d waited for him to choose me and make me a priority. The breakup slowly made me realize that I needed to choose and love myself. I gave birth in 2017 and committed to a journey of self-love, but it evolved into a deep spiritual journey.
The first step on the journey was mental health counseling. The break-up and the postpartum hormones had left me in a bad place. I learned in therapy that my childhood shaped beliefs of unworthiness and low self-esteem. The “not good enough” narrative was rampant in all my relationships. I lacked boundaries and allowed others to misuse me. It took months to unlearn the negative narrative and place necessary boundaries around my toxic relationships. I began challenging that childhood belief and created a new one—I am enough, just as I am, and I am deserving of good things in my life. A year into regular sessions, I gained a new sense of self and wanted to explore becoming a yoga instructor. The universe announced a different plan.
A week following that decision, I fell down the stairs and broke my ankle in two places. I was devastated. Right when I was ready to make a huge step forward, I was literally stopped in my tracks. I cried for many nights asking God, “Why? Why now?” I did not expect an answer, but God answered through two woo-woo experiences.
First, I noticed a local tarot reader’s card appearing in different places in my home. I found her card once in the kitchen, once in the bedroom, and then again in the bathroom. I got the message and scheduled a reading. The reading was phenomenal. We discussed what to gain from a broken ankle spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. The reading also helped me decide to apply for disability through my employer and take some needed time off.
The next experience was a very lucid dream. I saw myself sitting on the edge of the bed crying to God (again!) and asking why my disability paperwork was denied. I was very angry and confused in the dream. When I woke up, I immediately called the doctor’s office and discovered they never faxed the disability paperwork. I talked to the office manager and the paperwork was faxed immediately and approved. Something new and mysterious was happening.
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My tarot reader was teaching a workshop called Deepening Your Intuition. I enrolled and learned about the basics of intuition, guarding energetic space, clearing energy with sounds and water, and setting boundaries with the spirit world. We were also given a shamanic energy clearing. During my clearing, the shamanic practitioner said to me, “There’s a lot of fear around walking your path.” How interesting, since I just broke my ankle! I mulled over her words for weeks, questioning what I was so afraid of. In the last class I mustered the courage to ask the practitioner, “What if I want to go deeper with this? Are there more classes?” She calmly said yes and advised a psychic studies and mediumship class that started in three weeks. This class was way out of my breadth of knowledge and budget, but I made a deal with God that if I received the money before the class started, I would enroll. Once again God answered, and the money came!
Fear again emerged the first night of class. I didn’t know what to expect and thought I would make a fool of myself. Who am I to think I could be a psychic? This was only for special, gifted people, and I never felt special or gifted. The not good enough narrative was back.
I sat quietly through class and was hit with a surprise. We would give a psychic reading that same night. Through the fear, I gave my first psychic reading. I noticed the information came to me quickly and accurately. The next twelve weeks of class I discovered the gifts of claircognizance, clairvoyance, clairaudience, psychometry, and mediumship. Mediumship became my passion because it offers such a healing experience. The ability to provide answers to the living from those who have crossed over is transformative. This sparked more inner healing because I tapped into my power. It was clear from then on that it was my responsibility to express these gifts with the world.
An opportunity to learn shamanism appeared next and I went full steam ahead. It was a tough experience. Doubt and fear reared its head again during the sacred rites initiation. Again, I thought, am I really a shaman? Am I cut out for this? All the fears and negativity took a toll on me and I became sick. Shamanic illness is common during this process. Old wounds surface that need addressing in order to move on. My shamanic illness was pneumonia. I needed to confront the root of the fear and unworthiness narrative. I scheduled a shamanic journey session with my teacher and remembered as a little girl, during a traumatic event, I silenced my voice and convinced myself speaking up was not worth it. The belief I’d kept since childhood for safety, disabled me emotionally as an adult. I stayed quiet about my unhappiness in all relationships. It made others happy, but I was suffering inside and scared to voice my true feelings. I felt whole after the session and regained my voice.
I made a promise to myself, to use my voice when it’s clear, when I doubt, or even when it shakes. Joan Walsh Anglund beautifully wrote, “A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” I became well again and received the final sacred rites to become a shaman and a new name, Lowanpi Nagi, which means singing soul.
The path I had in mind was to reconnect with loving myself. I achieved that and so much more! I am forever grateful for the heartache, ankle break, and pneumonia. Those events birthed a new woman who is confident and knows her worth. I still struggle with some doubts, but I know their roots and how to talk to them. I am gentle and compassionate toward my inner child and move at her speed. The spiritual journey is tough and intimidating and I wanted to give up many times. I don’t know what’s next, but I know God will answer, and I look forward to meeting the next version of myself.
Ann Olugbile is a shamnic practitioner, psychic medium, and an avid writer. You can contact her at aolugbile@gmail.com.
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My sister’s death continues to be one of those events my life that frustrates me. I’ll never have the answers that I need to “move on” or “accept” the massive cave of despair her absence has created. It has, however, made me realize that despite the pain of not having her in my life, I have a responsibility and a need to be present for the people that I love, and I will continue to strive to be the best possible wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and therapist that I can be. My conversation with my cousin reminded me of the important and incredibly impactful moment I had with a client shortly after my sister’s death.